Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999) is an American TV show that mocks bad movies by riffing on their strange characters, absurd settings, and silly plot twists, interspersing erudite cultural quips with schoolboy jokes and general zaniness. Astonish and baffle your friends and foes as you pulverize Japan! (Points straightforward while Crow imitates a missile hitting and Joel acts like he's hit) Crow: Staring contest on the left. Others are born with hundreds of eyes protuding from fleshy knobs. You took that cherished dream that you had, and you... There was no giant, no monster, no thing called Douglas to be followed. It was like being a little kid and eating dinner at your Aunt Ruth's apartment in the summer, and it's hot in there and she's got a local Christian radio station on, and there's nothing to do or look at 'cause all she's got in the apartment are Good Housekeeping magazines and linen doilies! And then they send you out to play with the strange neighbor kids and they're all big and their skin is pink and they have big pores and a big eighth grader makes you look at really upsetting pictures, so you go back inside and you sit down and they're all just talking with these big pauses in their conversations and you can hear the clock ticking on the wall! Yeah, and so you dig into your seat cushion and you find a really old peanut, and you're so bored you eat it! Robot, or Sir to you toilet-water guzzlin' little mama's boys! [Nick and Lisa are trying to escape Robertson's building while also being chased by his guards. There are 198 movies, 60 shorts, and 4 specials in the MST3K canon. Here's what you get: Act now and receive, at half the extra value, the Mystifying Monster Action Pack! give us a wonderous rendition from one of the songs off their scintillating new album. Still others, like this whisper-thin fellow, are born with tight acrylic wool-blend turtleneck sweaters from Chess King. (trails off looking at "Larry's" dull, lifeless expression.) You don't really care, do you? There was nothing in the tunnel but the puzzled men of courage who suddenly found themselves alone with the shadows and darkness! And then you just feel bad and a little sick, and then you think you're about to go! They come to a room with two routes; Nick quickly opens the door of one route and he and Lisa go down the other.
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By the elements alone, they will grow to millions of times their original size in less time than it takes for the sun to rise and fall."Joel: Hi, everyone, welcome to the Sattelite of Love. Forrester: Well Jimmy Smits, your movie today is roasted fresh from the kitchens of Bert I Gordon. Wandered into shot yesterday and they decided to keep it." [referring to his character's recurring phrase] "What the heck does 'Avante, avante' mean? Mike [as Whitey]: So then Mabel said to me "well, why'd you wear those earrings? Oh, we learned some cats can open the refrigerator, get the milk, bring the milk into the middle of the kitchen, throw it up in the air, drop it on the floor, shatter it all over the place. And that [bleep]ing goes for your bull[bleep] court system, too! Servo: Ahh, your attempt to get little Susie what's-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended in humiliating rejection. Even saying Go[bleep]la will get the bejeezus sued out of you.
Thor: Before the high court has you executed, you should be made to watch what happens when we return here with the gargans! Is this one of your crazy science experiments, huh? [takes book and does own Jack Palance impression] "Day Three: missed call. Servo: So basically, according to themselves, the Air Force is a bunch of leather-faced, not-so-bright, heavy drinking, dull-witted speed freaks who poop in their pants and can't make it with women, right? Robot and I'm here to tell you that Mike Nelson is innocent. And if you [bleep]s don't [bleep] find him innocent, then you can just [bleep]ing kiss my fat [bleep]ing [bleep]. Yes, we'd get sued for showing you clips of G[bleep]a.
There is no family so poor but that the evening meal can be eaten in an atmosphere of warmth and gentleness. We'd like to show you clips of one of the crappier big movies of the summer, but we'd get sued.
Trample the add on Hapless Citizen Play Set, then abhor the action with the fabulous Anti-War Protest Pack (Senator Wellstone not included)! Relive your favorite Japanese movie carnage with the Lights, Gamera, Action series! Prices subject to whim, please wear rubber underwear, and some parts may be made of chicken! And there are the times when we rise as one to beat back Hell.
There's the Gimp, the Goon, the Shamed Old Brother, the Hapless Geisha and the Fall-Apart Voodoo Kenny!
Pose in the nude with the Frisky Kitten Review, then watch the action from high atop Tokyo Tower, as the twisted world you created explodes in rivers of blood and endless pain! I came up with this Holo-Clown Sequencer to cheer up the Bots but now I can't get it to shut off and it's getting hard to sleep at night and I'm tasting metal! It's a fetid little piece of tripe featuring sword and sorcery, Gary Lockwood and an embarrassed Basil Rathbone. Scabbing, inflexible, lethargic, mucus-expelling creatures having no spoken language and no particular powers with which to conquer. "Servo: [takes book, does Palance] "Day Five: missed call. " and then we went to Nine West but we couldn't find anything we wanted cause I have really wide feet, but sometimes I can find stuff at Payless, anyhoo, Cindy told me that Victoria's Secret was just around the corner, and she said that they're having a sale, and she knows I'm really broke right now, so I confronted her, and, well... Servo: No, actually "HELPING CHILDREN THROUGH RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT" is the acronym, Mike. Let's Pitch In 'N' Get Cracking Here In Louisiana Doing Right, Eh? Hateful Rich Overbearing Ugly Guys Hurt Royally Everytime Someone Eats A Radish, Carrot, Hors d'oeuvre, And Never Does Dishes. Mike, I'm so [bleep]ing sorry I couldn't [bleep]ing be there for this [bleep]ing [bleep]y really bogus trial, man. If I was there, I'd [bleep]ing kick everyone's fat stupid [bleep]ing behinds and then cram it up their [bleep]ing [bleep]. So you sit there all mushy and sentimental, reciting to yourself the words to some song by Night Ranger. Servo: And, and maybe the first chair trombone player from the high school band comes by you know, and he takes pity on you, tries to drive you home and all. You wanna swerve home in your cherried-out Dodge Charger! So I made my own giant lizard film to offer as my alternative to God[bleep]. I mean, I've seen Dali paintings that make more sense than this movie does. Towque, you ah to leave the poweh station and intewcept the gwoup that appwoaches us. Joel: All right, let's get things started with a toss-up question. Act now, act often, and snap on the entire Tokyo Metropolitan Area (some parts may not exist)! I don't mind tellin' ya, the day this country went self-serve is the day that Hell started to bubble over and flood the earth. You're listening to K-PORN, Holmes and Reems in the morning… Go to hell, citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont! I'm sensing the presence of several disembodied souls… And, when you weach them, the fiwst thing you are to do… What three word slogan was coined during the Cold War as a schoolchild's best defense against an A-bomb attack? Crow [as a Narrator]: Industry: creating a better world. Complete with buildings, bridges and the breakaway Monte-Nuco Dam (smaller than shown)! Joel: Well, there's personal liberty, strength of convictions; those have been known to work. Narrator: ..following these simple rules of body care and grooming, you too will [have] that quality of appearance, that feeling of well-being, so important to make your dreams of happiness come true. Forrester: [Stopping his scan of TV's Frank's brain and looking at the camera] Ah, Joel. It's called "Gunslinger" and it stars Beverly Garland in her pre-Dotty period. Forrester: [walking in from off-screen in a bathrobe, toweling his hair] Ahh, nothin' like a good shower to make one feel new again. [increasingly melodramatically] wandering these dark halls in search of surcease, an end to their endless night… 5000-piece Fightin' Men 'N Monster Set (some pieces not included)! There is hope, but it has to come from inside — from man himself. (points to the left while Servo makes missile noises) In all of you! Joel: Some eye creatures are born with scaly protective covering. -- and through blood, sweat, and effort, you owned that dream and turned it into a reality through years -- well, days -- of hard work, determination, and struggle! And you lie there knowing you got your butt kicked by the leader of the high school band! he kills a deer, he tans the hides, he stretches the skins, he makes an anodized aluminum frame, he learns how to extrude and weld… […] learned aerodynamics…Kids, here's the greatest, the neatest, the latest thing! Men have always sought an end to the toil and misery, but it can't be given, it has to be achieved. (points to the right while Servo makes missile noises) In you... (Fu Manchu sits down; the crew all make raspberry noises) Servo: Oh... Morrissey: This is a song that I wrote in a time in my life when I was very, very, very sad. It's called "Hairdresser in a Coma": I cried last night, I died a million deaths. Joel: [reading fan letter, a child's crayon scribble on graph paper] Cambot, put this up on still-store, there's no print, but it's a really good drawing of me, and, Crow, and... They were also unfortunate enough to have evolved with heavy-duty zippers running up their backs. After four days of shooting, finally got script today and guess what? I'm supposed to be some kind of freakin' wizard."Patrolman: Whenever there's a haphazard on the road, there's usually a sign that tells you about it. Narrator: When you've got as many birds to look after as this hatchery, you're pretty receptive to labor-saving devices. It runs the length of the building, and is used to carry feed to the different pens. Eventually, Victor Eats Lunch Over Peoria Mit Ein Neuesberger Tod". Crow: Yeah, you wind up wrestling for your keys with the guy, and he drops you - with one punch - and he leaves.