You fill out the forms, bring all the paperwork, sit down until your number is up and finally, you get a Bescheinigung, and that’s only if you’re lucky.
If romance is dead, it was a German man that killed it.
From the offer of money for sex via Tinder to online dating messages consisting of cringe-worthy detailed descriptions of sexual acts, the perpetrators were always the same: German men.
My personal favourite features generous tidbits like: “Heute morgen beim erwachen fand sich ein pulsierendes, ein kräftiges, ein forderndes Glied zwischen meinen Beinen” (“This morning I found a strong pulsating, demanding phallus between my legs”).
I’m seldom speechless but how does one reply to such a message? The Tumblr blog Straight White Boys Texting has a German equivalent called Straight White German Boys Texting.
Since I started dating I’ve always gone international. A friend of mine who has been in a long term relationship with a German man recently told me that if she wanted to have sex with him, she would write him an email informing him of her desire and the two would take it from there.
There are only a few European countries I haven’t planted my metaphorical flag (yes, this is a dick joke about my metaphorically huge dick). (I wish I was making this up.) In light of this, I’m wholeheartedly convinced that it was a German man that came up with the word Geschlechtsverkehr – a word that takes the fun out of something that is supposed to be the height of ecstasy but has turned into something altogether more bureaucratic the moment a Thomas, Dieter or Malte gets involved. It’s the least sexy experience imaginable, and I blame no one that abandons learning German after having suffered through it even once.
There is only one country whose men (and only men) I try to avoid: Germany. In my experience, a date with a German man is like going to an Amt: it’s draining and you feel like neither of you really wants to be there.
The fantasy of a German dude sweeping one off of one’s feet and carrying one past the Ausländerbehörde into a future of passion and excitement hasn’t ever had much traction.
The submissions oscillate between gently cringey to projectile vomit-inducing.