Why don’t men hate being single as much as women do?I know you say most men are marriage-minded underneath but they seem much less interested in getting into a stable, committed relationship than women do, and seem to drag their heels.Some of the things I hate about being single are (in no particular order): lack of love, affection and emotional support; not having someone to go on vacation with; not having someone to share domestic tasks with; being excluded from social gatherings because I don’t have a partner; not having someone to talk to at home on a day to day basis; having to cope with the financial burden of being single (apartment, bills etc.); not having a regular source of quality sex available.
If this is the case, why aren’t men jumping up and down with excitement when they meet someone they connect with, like we are?
Why aren’t they just as keen as we are to know “where things are going” early on in the relationship? I particularly love your list of what sucks about being single.
A lot of men my age seem uninterested in a committed relationship, seeming to prefer a more casual “low investment, low return” approach to relationships. As a guy who was single for 35 years, I completely agree and think that – all things remaining equal – having a good relationship is a far superior state of being than being alone.
Do men actually ENJOY the endless tedium and stress of going on a string of disappointing dates? (This does not mean that I look down on single people or think you should be in an unsatisfying relationship so, please, spare me the complaints.) But what gets me the most excited, Elaine, is that you’ve forced me to consider something that I’ve never actually considered before: Why Don’t Men Hate Being Single As Much as Women Do?
My mom, for example: she volunteers at the hospital, she tap dances in the musical at her clubhouse, she plays canasta with the girls twice a week, she does Sudoku in her garden, she’s on the party-planning committee… Men are more likely to define themselves by their careers – What do I do? Then again, many of my smart, strong, successful clients also bury themselves in their work for a decade, and emerge from their cocoon of success and travel, only to learn that they’re really, really lonely. And nowhere is that clearer than in the realm of relationships.
and while she misses a travel companion, movie companion and regular sex, life is pretty much okay as it is. I can only imagine there are millions of women who haven’t contacted me who continue to immerse themselves in that worldview that success and accomplishment matters more than love. A few thoughts off the top of my head: • Over twice as many women take anti-depressants, compared to men.I just think there are more men than women who are okay with low-investment, low-return, that’s all. I remember reading somewhere that it was about 1 in 6 women vs. • 90% of the self-help market in bookstores is for women.Or does it all simply come down to the capriciousness of the female orgasm – since men can have an orgasm with practically anyone, they don’t much care who they’re with, whereas if a woman finds someone who’s actually good in bed she’s desperate to hang on to him?! My assistant says it’s because when they’re single, they can play video games and watch porn, and if they got a girlfriend, she’d insist they give up one or both. So, together, let’s consider why men are generally cooler with being single than women: 1. As I observed in “Why He Disappeared”, this tends to be the way that men deal with most of their relationships.When a man hangs out with another man, he’ll watch sports, play poker, talk trash, grab a few drinks, and maybe talk about whether he’s hooking up.This takes care of most of a man’s basic needs – for companionship, for laughs, for fun. This is unfortunate and short-sighted because nobody dies thinking that he wishes he had a 72” Sony instead of a 64” Vizio. Women, who are, in general, more emotional and intuitive, are more likely to define their lives by their relationships.As I look at that list, it occurs to me that most of my clients who are perfectly content being single are satisfied with their female friendships. So when they lack a partner, they’ll be disproportionately sadder than men, who just bury themselves in more work and (sometimes) play. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: men need more help; women ask for more help.